I’m going to guess that every cook – no matter how good they are - has a few things on their “I am a little scared to go there” list. What are yours? Mine include Crème Brûlée,  croissants, hollandaise sauce and (fresh) pasta.

My list used to include Risotto, Spring rolls and Beef Wellington however I’ve actually felt the fear and cooked ‘em anyway – and now can make them all quite effortlessly, every time.

I have a confession to make though.. One of my bad habits in the kitchen is the fact that I will read a recipe and then go “oh I so want to make this!” and off I charge.

I tend not to refer back to the recipe, I just rock on with it and most times it works fine but some times – not so much. (Then it’s ALWAYS the $#@! recipe’s fault, of course)

IN my defence, I read recipe books for fun so do have a lot of info just “simmering” there, ready to be called upon but yeah .. still not always good!

So I’ve tried making pasta from scratch before. It sucked. It was just something I derived NO pleasure from doing. Not helped by the fact it wasn’t a nice texture, even after I sourced the elusive 00 flour! That one is in the top 3 of stuff I need to master.

I refuse to even talk about the croissant cock up.

And the hollandaise sauce incident still gives me nightmares. I dislike mayonnaise making with a passion. Although I did learn an important lesson about not trying something new for a dinner party without having a back up!

Crème brûlée I’ve made twice. Once they set (yay!) but the crunchy topping didn’t work. The other time .. well .. let’s just say scrambled eggs and sugar: Not a nice dessert.

So, crème brûlée was on the list of recipes to master this year. And I think I’ve done it! The secret? There’s more than one..

1. Follow the recipe. Turns out Gordon Ramsay could be a better cook than me (sigh)

2. Trust your instincts. I took them out when I thought they were set, which was 5 mins earlier than the recipe called for. They’re perfect ..I know my oven.  Thank goodness!

3. As always: Best quality ingredients are key. It felt so extravagant using an entire vanilla pod but it was so worth it.

And so here it is – my successful nemesis recipe for crème brûlée – let me know how it goes!

Gordon Ramsay’s crème brûlée recipe

300ml double cream*
130ml milk
40g vanilla sugar**
4 egg yolks
Vanilla sugar to sprinkle on top and make the hard “topping”

Heat the milk and cream until just about to boil, stirring in 1 dessertspoon of vanilla sugar as it boils.

Lightly whisk together the remaining sugar and egg yolks.

Just look at those gorgeous vanilla seeds! NOM! I used these ones picked up at the Wgtn food show.

Strain the mixture. This gets rid of any chunky bits of vanilla pod, but allows the tasty seeds through. I just used a cheapie plastic strainer. Nothing fancy required..

Slowly pour the mixture into the egg and sugar mix, whisking the entire time.

Pour into a jug and divide evenly between lightly greased tea cups or ramekin dishes. I used a rice bran spray to do this job then spread it thinly with a paper towel.

Fill a large roasting tin half full of boiling water, put the dishes in and bake at 180C for 10-15 minutes until just set. Dish size matters! Think about it when you’re checking your puds k

Allow to cool and place in the fridge until required. Dust the top of the crème brulee with a little vanilla laced icing (confectioner’s) sugar and then use a blowtorch to caramelise the sugar. Don’t have one? Pop them under a hot grill.. but watch closely!

These are pre-topping so I have yet to sprinkle icing sugar on them and set fire to ‘em!

* There’s a bunch of conflicting stories on what this is, here in New Zealand. I have used ordinary cream – with poor result. Today I used the pottle of thickened cream. It was odd, watching it melt down in the pot but it worked fine.

**Vanilla sugar is something I use a lot of simply because I can! I have a container in the pantry filled with white sugar (and also one with caster sugar) and a “pre loved” vanilla pod. It makes the sugar incredibly fragrant and is beautiful when added to muffins or fruit dishes that vanilla complements.

BON APPETIT!

Over the last couple of years I’ve lost both my parents and a long term relationship / engagement. I moved towns (twice) AND moved ‘residences’ 4 times, just for good measure. Oh yeah, and I bought real estate. Changed jobs a few times and did I mention I lost a favourite (shh, don’t tell Hootie k) pet?

Someone told me 2 days ago that ONE of these things is considered an event significant enough to make one go a bit loopy – so I perhaps should take some pride in the fact that I don’t sit rocking in a corner sucking my thumb?

Yeccchhhh, who knows where that thumb has been!?

Anyway, I digress ..

The last month or so has been a sort of self-imposed time out period for me. A time of introspection. Time to just BE. To sit and drink coffee in the sunshine, to laugh at the antics of my 3 black cats playing in the yard. To spend time with my daughter, who soothes me in a way no one can probably comprehend. A time to take stock and to look forward.

It’s fair to say I’m almost half way through my life. And I’ve crammed quite a lot into the last 40+ years. A lot I’m proud of, a lot I’m surprised I survived (lol) and there’s a whole lot that I could have probably have done without but it all adds up to the sum that is Joan.

A bit like making a stock, where you mix together a bunch of things and when it all comes together you have the base for something fabulous I guess our life experiences can be viewed the same.

When I die I want people to be sad I am gone but to look back at my involvement in their lives and go: “It was kinda fun / neat / tiring / expensive (whatever – you can insert your own adjective here) having her around”.

For the record, I don’t plan on this event taking place any time soon so don’t bother dusting off your black suits just yet!

Anyone who knows me, knows I have applied the mantra “WHY NOT?” to my adult life. Not able to during my childhood, having been raised in an oddly conservative, ultra strict environment, I well recall the day I woke up and realised this whole life thing wasn’t a dress rehearsal and I needed to make some changes.

That I needed to start living my life!

It was such a relief, to realise that it wasn’t at all smart to live my life solely for other people – that in trying to please everyone I simply made myself unhappy and often times didn’t actually please people as much as I’d expected.

From then on life became a lot more enjoyable, for all there have been times I’ve been kicked to the curb (and sat dusting myself off thinking “Ouch!”) that’s just LIFE and it’s OK.

I guess this is just my way of saying “I’m alive”? Or: “I’m baaaack!”

It’s also my way of saying I have a few big decisions to make in the coming days as I throw myself into the next chapter of the book of Joan and I’m a little scared and a lot excited.

Hang on, k – it’s gonna be interesting!

I am a big fan of curries, particularly Malaysian or Indian. A lovely lady I worked with in Wellington gave me the secret to so many delicious Asian dishes and I’ve posted about it before – it’s what Asian people call Curry Powder but it differs hugely from what Europeans call Curry Powder.

It’s now one of my favourite spices and I use it often when throwing together a quick vege curry. But this week I went back to a tried and trusted recipe, and made my very popular butter chicken recipe.

There’s many different ways to make this baby including coating the chicken in yoghurt and spices overnight etc but my way is the lazy way and everyone still raves so I figure why not stick with simple!

It does necessitate you having a number of spices, and that’s partly I think what stops people from making it but trust me – they’re readily used in other dishes, so it’s not going to be a “use once and waste the rest” deal, I promise!

To serve 2, you would need the following ingredients:

Oh before I go on, I make this vegetarian by substituting the chicken for a range of my favourite veges, so don’t give up in disgust if you’re a vegetarian.

3 large chicken breasts – skin removed, cut into chunks*
1 large onion – finely diced
1 clove garlic – finely chopped

1&1/2t ginger pdr
1&1/2t cinnamon
1&1/2t cumin pdr
1t chilli pdr
1/2t garam masala
2t turmeric

1/2t salt
1/2t pepper

2T tomato paste
600ml cream

Oil for frying

It’s so simple, here we go:

Mix all the spices together in a bowl, incl salt and pepper. Set aside and cook the onion and garlic in a little rice bran oil until translucent. Add the spices then cook for a few minutes, stirring often to ensure it doesn’t burn. I’d recommend a low to med heat for this job.

In a different pan, cook the chicken for a few minutes, it doesn’t have to be cooked right through as it will simmer and continue cooking in the sauce. Basically, you want to seal each piece and get a little colour on it.

Add the cooked chicken to the sauteed onions, stir in the cream and tomato paste. Simmer for 10-15 minutes. And that’s it – one butter chicken curry: Done!

I find this tastes amazing if made a few hours before you want to eat it. This also freezes well and reheats beautifully in the microwave so makes great lunch grub at the office. And makes everyone very envious to boot!

Serve with your favourite rice or naan bread..

When making a vegetarian batch, I use kumara, pumpkin, carrot, brocolli and peas. I dice the veges into even sized pieces, par-cook them in a little stock then use them as instructed above in place of the chicken. I find most meat eaters enjoy having a mix of chicken and vege, so tend to combine a heaped spoonful of both as I serve theirs.

Garnish with parsley and flaked almonds if you want or just scoff as soon as it’s ready!

*I opt for 1 inch squares but you could do bigger if you want, not much smaller or they get lost in the sauce..

The flavours, freshness and fragrance of Asian food (plus an abundance of vegetarian options!) means it’s always been a favourite of mine but at the same time, it always seemed a bit complicated or scary to cook.

Mostly, I think because it involved ingredients that were (forgive the pun) foreign to me.

A cooking class last year followed by a couple more this year has seen my fear evaporate and if anyone ever wants to unravel the “mystery” of Asian food, check out this place!

Anyway, one of my all time favourite meals is Mee Goreng. I particularly like it to mop up red wine .. And so it is I can sometimes be seen lurking outside KC takeaway or KK Malaysia as they whip up a $10 bowl of super feisty noodles and veges for me.

And now I can whip it up for myself – and easily,  because it really is SO simple! To make it you will need the following:

200g fresh noodles (you know the lil bags you can get in the chiller at new world or Moore Wilson’s? If you can’t find them apparently egg noodles are ok too)
130g chicken cut into bite sized pieces – omit for vegetarian option
1/2 small onion (I would use the whole onion)
1 clove garlic
1 slice (yes, just a slice – it was spot on) fresh ginger
1c bean sprouts and thinly sliced cabbage (mixed, so only 1 cup in total)
1/4c water (or more as required to loosen the noodles)
1T hoisin sauce
1/2t curry powder* <– see pic
1/2t chilli powder (I like it hot – if you want it mild use 1/4t)
1t best quality soy sauce

Prepare all the ingredients first because this takes all of 5 minutes from the time you cook the onions!

Finely slice the onion, garlic and (peeled) ginger.
Put 2T oil in a wok or pan then cook the holy trinity until the onions are coloured nicely. Put them into cold oil, to stop the garlic burning. Cook on low heat.. stirring as needed.

Push them up the side of the wok or pan then cook your chicken for a few minutes. Add in the curry, chilli and hoisin (you can use oyster if you prefer) sauce, frying for 30 seconds.

Add the water then stir in the noodles and simmer til the liquid has been absorbed. Stir occasionally.

Toss the cabbage and bean sprout mixture in, stir fry for 1 minute then the soy sauce immediately before serving.

It’s THAT simple ..

This is considered a single serve but you’d wanna be pretty hungry, that said I don’t think it’s quite 2 serves ..

Enjoy!

I used to make these all the time, back in the 90′s – it felt frightfully “adventurous” lol .. They’re very tasty and quite simple so I figured I’d type it out for anyone who may want to give them a try. Anything lemon is a good thing in my book – add cream cheese and WELL – it just gets better!

To make these tart yet sweet treats all you need is:

1 large free range egg
1/2c rice bran oil + 1 T
1/2c milk
2/3c sugar
4 ounces cream cheese, softened
1&1/2c high grade white flour
1&1/2t baking powder
1/2t salt
2 lemons
1/2c water
1/2c white sugar

Preheat oven to 375F / 190C.

Grate zest (You want the skin but no white!) off the lemons then juice. Set aside in sep bowls. You need some for the muffins and some for the glaze.

Mix egg, oil, milk and sugar together.

Cut cream cheese into small pieces and mix with 2T flour – this helps it distribute evenly vs. sinking into the batter. Add 1/3 the lemon peel and toss together to thoroughly coat cream cheese bits.

Add flour, bp, salt, 1/2 the lemon juice and 1/3 lemon peel then mix well.

Spoon into paper lined muffin tins, filling about 2/3 full and bake for 20-25 minutes.

Cool in the tins for about 5 minutes, then turn out to a wire rack and allow to cool another 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, make the glaze:

In a small pot, bring 1/2c water and 1/2c white sugar to the boil. Lower the heat and simmer, allowing the mixture to thicken a little. Add the remaining 1/3 zest.. Remove from the heat then add the last of the lemon juice.

Spoon over the muffins and you’re done! If I was wanting to jazz these up you can sprinkle sugar on the top or add candied lemon slices – which are super simple to make too but I will type that up another day!

Enjoy.

No, I’m not talking about my coffee machine, CJ or red wine! I’m talking about the basic things I simply cannot handle running out of in my pantry! This is bought about by the fact that I decided to clean mine out this morning and realised I was maybe .. just maybe .. a bit of a food hoarder ..

Not really .. For me, everything in there is stuff that I use regularly. Be it my fave valrhona cocoa powder, a large tub of Genoese pesto or the oh so delicious Village Press olive oils.

Nothing in my store cupboard is old or languishing there just because I got it one day and have never used it.

But that did get me to thinking, what are the essentials for me when it comes to the store cupboard? If I didn’t have such ready access to gorgeous ingredients, which items would I miss the most?

For me, the following are what I consider “staples” in my pantry:

Stock (store bought or home made, in the freezer)
Oil – An assortment (see pic of my fave cupboard!)
Coconut cream - For those quickie curries
Vinegar – Again an assortment
Beans – Canned or dry. They are very versatile (I incl chick peas and lentils in this!)
Tomatoes – Canned tomatoes used to offend me  now I’m totally into them!
Rice – Basmati, Jasmine, Brown and Arborio
Pasta – I have to confess, sometimes I can’t resist a nice mac & cheese so elbows do it for me as a store cupboard item..
Nuts – Pecans, walnuts, almonds, pine – useful in so many dishes
Spices – Of course! This includes assorted mustards, salts and peppers
Flour – SR, White, 00, Brown, Garam, Corn .. I have the lot “just in case”
Sugar – At last count I had 8 kinds but really, 1 or 2would do.. if I had to ..;)

As well, if I do not have milk, cream, cheeses (right now I have feta, cream, parmesan, tasty, haloumi, edam, gruyere, pecorino and blue in stock) free range eggs, NZ garlic and white or red (ideally both!) onions plus an assortment of wine in my house on any given day there is something horribly wrong with the world..!

So, what items do you have or need in your store cupboard that you simply cannot imagine not having available to you .. ?

One of my most used selection of goodies in the pantry (above) ..

Lentils are one of those things I am unsure I quite *get*. I loathe dahl, never had one I like yet. Sure I can add a few red ones to a soup but kinda wonder why I would? And the brown ones, well they’re plain nasty, right?

But as a kid we used to eat them all the time, cos they were deemed good for us.. And so over years of trialling different ways to cook these lil rabbit-dropping-like goodies, I found a way to actually make them taste very nice.

And meat-eater pals tell me they taste like savoury mine done this way .. never having eaten meat – I’ll leave that to you to decide!

Joan’s savoury brown lentil recipe

2c brown lentils soaked in water for 24 hours. (More on the prep side during the method)
1L stock – I use vegetable but any will do (or you could use water with a bay leaf and an onion in it, that’s how I did it back in the olden days!)
1 carrot – diced into “pea” sized pieces
2/3c frozen peas
2 onions- diced
Oil for frying
1 clove garlic – minced
1tsp curry pdr (I use vencat which is commonly available – remember this recipe is from the 80’s!)
1tsp salt
Black pepper to taste (quite a bit, I’d suggest)
4T Worcester Sauce
2T Tomato Paste
1/3c Wattie’s tomato sauce – yes, train smash. Trust me!

Run the dry lentils under water and pick over looking for stones – trust me, they’re in there! Soak overnight in a large pan of cold water. Drain and rinse well just to be safe. My father broke a tooth on lentils once .. hence the paranoia!

You could use canned ones but they’re horribly expensive compared to dry .. so why bother?

Put the soaked lentils into the stock and bring to a simmer, cooking til tender. You may need to add more liquid, but water would do fine.

In a large pan, soften down the onion and garlic in a little rice bran oil. Add the curry powder, the 3 sauce ingredients and then the cooked lentils. Season well and cook til the mixture thickens to a “stew like” consistency.

Add the veges in the final few minutes of cooking and you’re done!

THAT said, this mixture tastes better if made the day before and left to “sit”, I used to chuck it all in the crockpot for a day of simmering ..

PS it makes the most heavenly pies! Wrap in flaky pastry and bake til golden. Serve with creamy mustard laden mashed potatoes, buttery carrots and peppery cabbage!  Yum..

You can add shredded cabbage to the stew mix, or any vege really but again: this was the 80s and peas & carrots were de rigour in our household

PPS nowadays I’d probably add goodies such as minced root ginger, turmeric, mustard seeds, cumin, fenugreek, chilli – but yeah refer earlier 80′s comments and just nod ..

I guess the deal is, add what you like but this way will make them quite delicious even without all the other gorgeous spices available to us now..

Most people would agree that falafel is super delicious & nutritious .. well I wanted to see if I could make it even better! A quick fossick about in the pantry unearthed some almonds, brazil nuts, *sunflower kernels, and pumpkin seeds. Also in there were some amaranth seeds and some black & white quinoa, some buckwheat and some brown rice.

A plan was hatching .. !

Reading the recipe below, it looks like a lot of effort but it really isn’t .. Actually reminds me a bit of this recipe I made up some time back too ..

I soaked then cooked 1c of chick peas and set aside to cool before pulsing in the blender, til they were a mooshy mess!

1c of brown rice was cooked with 1/2c of buckwheat and 1/2c of the mixed quinoa / amaranth added in the last few minutes (just to allow them to soften / cook). This lot was set aside to cool while I organised the other goodies!

1c of the assorted* nuts, kernels and seeds went into the food processor. As did 1 onion. A huge bunch of parsley, several cloves of garlic and the zest (skin) of one lemon.

Now mix the lot in a large bowl, seasoning well with salt and pepper .. Add the juice of 1 lemon, a slug of olive oil and then garam (chick pea) flour to bind it all together (and it’s more protein to boot!) This was my goal, to get something very high in protein and tasty at the same time!

Et voilà - done!

This mixture freezes fine ..  What I did was roll it all into patties and freeze then free flow. So I can just grab one out to thaw, when I want to make a nice salad and falafel wrap sometime!

To serve – just fry, til golden .. scatter on a wholewheat wrap with shredded lettuce, ripe tomato, red onion, relishes of your choice (and garlic aioli!) for a very filling but healthy meal.

New Years is always a time of introspection. A time to pause and reflect on the year you’ve just experienced.. things you maybe liked, or didn’t like. Lessons learned and changes you may like to make as you move into the year ahead..

Some of life’s lessons for me this year include:

1. ALWAYS .. always triple bag used cat litter before taking it down to the trash bay. And if the lift arrives and it has even just one person in it .. say “Oops no thanks I forgot my x” and wait til it comes back empty. I am pretty sure “cat-pee lady” is not a handle one wants, ever ..

2. Your (real) friends will not care if your house is tidy when they come over to visit you. In fact good friends will come over and make it messy. PS be sure to invite them back for brunch so they can help clean up. Ya just gotta think these things thru’!

3. Pigeons are sociable creatures. If you do not think you can handle shit happening (and happening and happening and how) do not allow your pet pigeon to go outside and meet the locals. Who knew? *sigh*

4. Be nice to your children.. That way you can readily ask them to clamber thru a neighbour’s window when you think their $#@! cat that you’re babysitting has gone missing or (my fave) dive into a full dumpster for the apartment keys, when you accidentally throw them in with the rubbish. (Sorry CJ)

I’m sure there’s been more but that’s all I can think of for now ..

Seriously, though … 2011 was a big year for me. And I did learn a bit of ‘stuff’ along the way.

Mostly it was a good year, with many enjoyable and interesting experiences. As for the bad things that happened, well I can’t fix or change them so there is no point in wasting energy there.

One lesson I learned a long time ago was knowing when to give up. It sounds like a bad thing, but it really isn’t..

Anyway, some of the fun experiences for me this year include a somewhat random jaunt to a sea food festival in the South Island. Why a vegetarian would bother is something I am still unable to answer. Or could it be the vineyards en route Blenheim airport held more appeal? Either way, it was an awesome weekend with a wonderful friend.

And a chance to check out Hapuku Kitchen next trip I’d like to spend some time in the nook with some wine, talking and eating Fiona’s cooking. Watch this space

2011 could perhaps be called “the road trip” year actually. Another good friend humoured my enjoyment of driving and drives such that we’d often find ourselves blasting thru’ any number of regions and areas, on adventures to nowhere.

I think my faves were the Auckland roadie, and the fish and chip dinners at the bottom of the island. Still can’t believe he threw out my pineapple ring tho. Sheesh..

As well, the many trips CJ made to Wellington are times I cherish. Generally we do very little except rest (her) and eat out (us) .. Get our hair done by my fabulous son.. And then shop. It’s hell, I don’t know how we cope

I love that she was here for the snow storms, that was awesome going out and playing in the snow with her and a friend.

And although her most recent visit was a tad too “flying”, for Xmas then again: how many kids want to spend time with their parents? I’m very blessed indeed.

Another note-worthy activity has been my official membership into the breakfast club! Although seriously boys – 7am? Ugh, some of those mornings were mighty painful, but the company made it all worthwhile.

Friendships made through work aren’t actually that common in my experience – yet I’ve been very fortunate to end up working with an amazing bunch of people since coming to Wellington.

And count many of them to be friends – whether they like it or not

So here’s to 2012.. What will it hold?

A new apartment? New job/s? Travel to exotic locations? Yet more champagne & Gorgeous food? Continued good health!? More new friends? Hopefully all of the above and more..

Happy (somewhat belated) New Year everyone! I hope yours is fabulous..

I went to a BBQ on boxing day where these gorgeous treats were served.. however, because I’m a paranoid vegetarian (BBQ’s are a thing of terror as you can imagine!) and since I’d not seen where they’d been cooked, I politely declined to eat one (cow juice in my mushrooms, no thank you) but all was not lost – I stole the recipe and made them myself the next day!

Actually, we stole the concept and then CJ and I had to try and make it up based on our hazy recollections of what we’d each seen as they were being prepped but overall, we did a pretty good job of it, I must say!

Because they’re so good, I’d recommend 3 large flats / mushrooms per person as a main meal. Or 1 if being served at a BBQ where there’s heaps of other stuff on offer. .

So, to serve 2 as a main meal, you will need:

3 portobello (or any large flat) mushrooms
2 cloves garlic
large handful of fresh thyme
1T Telegraph Hill Red wine drizzle
1T feta per mushroom
Good quality olive oil – I’d allow 1T per mushie

It’s so simple.

Mince the garlic with a little salt and pepper.
Scatter  evenly over the cleaned mushrooms.

Prep them in the dish you will cook them in so if anything spills – it just adds to the flavour!

Scatter the herbs (we did a mix of leaves chopped and branches for additional flavour hit) on each mushroom.

Now drizzle the olive oil and the cabernet drizzle on each mushroom. Doesn’t matter if it spills, it reduces down to a sweet sauce..

Bake in a pre-heated 180 deg oven for 30 minutes. Remove from the oven and dot the crumbled feta over each mushroom then a little more oil and cabernet before placing back in the oven for 10 minutes. At this point you want to ensure each mushroom “cup” has been coated in the oil / sauce mixture to ensure it’s moist and juicy.

Serve on top of a rocket or spinach (it wilts) salad (we had red capsicums and tomatoes in ours) with a little extra virgin olive oil and pepper. Feta means you shouldn’t need more salt..

Oh and we had some char grilled sour dough rubbed with garlic and some pesto button mushrooms under the lot to make it a substantial meal!

SO good! Big thanks to Stephanie and Crystal for this new addition to my recipe collection!

It’s no secret that I am an avid watcher of the food network. And it’s also no secret that I’m a reasonably intolerant person.. so when you take those 2 things into consideration – I think I’ve done well to contain myself this long!

Cos this post is dedicated to all the chefs on the food channel that I simply cannot bear to watch ..

Top of the slops pops is the only woman I know who can make cooking seem dirty:

1. Nigella Lawson

Do you boys really imagine she wears those pink twin sets in the kitchen whilst “whipping up a roast dinner with all the trimmings for 10 people”? Let me assure you she does not. And nor does she ever pop downstairs in her manky dressing gown to make herself a huge sandwich and scoff some dessert, in the middle of the night. Trust me, she doesn’t.

2. Ainsley Harriot

Or good ol’ “Ains mate” to his chums. The way he prances and over-acts his way around the kitchen .. and those shirts. Why the shirts? He’s dreadful..

3. Emeril Lagasse 

If I had the power to get one person removed off our screens for ever I cannot decide between this one and #9. Sod it, this is my blog – they’re both gone! BAM.. Why does he say BAM all the time anyway? Where does BAM fit into a kitchen?

4. Giada de Laurentiis

Other than the fact her head is way too big for her way-too-small body, she over pronounces things in the most irritating way “parmesan” becomes something quite unrecognisable when spouted from her overly large mouth. She gives me a headache.

5. Paula Dean 

Speaking of headaches. Maybe she can cook I really don’t know because any time her voice is on screen the channel changes (it’s magic) .. She sounds like a gaggle of rabid birds attacking something. And did you know that when she laughs, angels die ya’ll.

6. The Hairy bikers 

Yobbos on bikes who eat their way around the globe. Their somewhat awkward jesting with people makes me uncomfortable (and I’m safely in my living room watching). On yer bikes lads .. please!

7. Delia Smith

If I ever wanted to die from boredom whilst in a kitchen? I’d have her playing on the telly to ensure it happened. She has the personality and appeal of cold over cooked broadbeans.

8. Gino D’Acampo

Speaking of unappealing. Gino sleazes his way around the kitchen and his accent well, if it isn’t fake then sure he can’t help it but even so – someone should tell him to just shut up and cook.. Ciao

9. Mario Batali 

He is ungainly, doesn’t explain what he’s doing and generally prepares food that has very little appeal. Even guests on his show look awkward as tho they’re wishing they’d opted to go see the infomercials in the next studio and not this ghastly scene they have before them. And the hair. Greasy .. and waving around as he cooks. And the crocs! Really, he is quite vile.

So I could probably come up with a few others but that’ll do for now.. However it’s not all doom and gloom! There are some fabulous, entertaining and enjoyable chefs on the telly too. Phew!

Again, unranked but posted as I think of them we have a real sweetie up first:

1. Rick Stein

Charming. So so charming. And seems to like ‘real’ food, not fussy food. It is also possible he says “lovely” more than I do

2. Gordon Ramsay

The chef everyone just loves to hate. And I get it, in some ways but you know what? If I EVER need a sure-fire recipe I go for one of Gordon’s. Never ever has he let me down. Sure he seems like a potty mouth jerk, but he can cook! And I kinda like his no nonsense approach actually..

3. Ann Burrell

A little kooky but again – She can cook! I love her cooking style and the fact she is honest in her tips when so many chefs leave you a little mystified as they speak..

4. Jamie Oliver

I wanted to put him in my dislikes list but I have to admit he’s grown on me over the years. I loathed him with a passion initially and when he talks I still cringe. Pukka Geezer, oight? (Alright) He creeps me out but he’s a great cook.

5. Heston Blumenthal

Oh Heston. So sexy and slightly crazy. There would be al-chemistry I am sure ..

6. 2 fat ladies

Blasting around Britain on a motorcycle these two are (or were, I should say) amusing and pragmatic cooks. I loved their show and the wicked way they turned out their food! The little tales of their lives were always fascinating. Wish the show was back on!

7. Keith Floyd

I will never forget watching him make what he called “pissed fish” I laughed til I cried, seriously.. He was smashed out of his tiny mind and gosh it was funny to watch.

8. Hugh F-W

Another one I want to dislike but struggle to.  He’s just so JOLLY NICE. Good cook too.

10. Angela Hartnett

A quietly (nicely cynical) understated woman who survived working for Gordon, this woman is awesome. I’d like to do drinks with her sometime.

11. Michael Symon

Just cos I think he’s hot. OK OK and he’s a good cook too

12. Duff Goldman

I like his: “I want to do things my way” and the fact he hires friends to work for him. And his drive to do things right.  I’d give anything to shave that landing strip off tho.

13. Alton  Brown

Crazy science guy in the kitchen. I always learn something when watching his shows for example: I no longer embarass myself when saying kneewah (quinoa) thanks to Alton.

14. Ina Garten

If you want something more than a bit deliciously wicked she’ll be able to help you out. I do find her husband “Jeffrey” references a little over-done, throughout the show but she knows her stuff.

And there you have it, the list of chefs (the good, the bad and the ugly) as far as Joan is concerned!

I was once asked if there was a food item I didn’t think I could live without and I had to toss up between toast and potatoes. Yes, carb-city I know. And I think in the end I said “this game is silly, I can’t choose between the two!”

However, a staple fast meal of mine has always been toast. Toast with butter and a feisty chutney – heaven! Toast with a thin slice of your fave cheese and some onions on it. Nom! Toast with home-made strawberry conserve still warm from being made – gorgeous! Just there you have a 3 course meal!

But I’ve recently discovered a new fave topping. 

Avocados are in season. Tomatoes are in season. I probably don’t need to say more

It’s quick, it’s simple but it’s so tasty and – even better? It’s healthy..

Get 2 slices of your fave bread and put on the bench.

Get another 2 slices of your fave bread and toast it then rub generously with a clove of garlic.

Chunk up some avocado on each slice. Lots! I would recommend a quarter of an avo per avg slice of toast.

Layer the top with tomatoes then season generously with black pepper and salt.

Drizzle with either lime infused avocado oil or lime olive oil (Village Press have the nicest, I’ve found) and scoff whilst standing at the bench because it’s too yummy to waste time walking to the table.

Now start again with the 2 bits of bread I told you to put on the bench. Yeah, there was a method to my madness!  PS If you do not have tomatoes – it’s still delish without..

Summer on a plate – Enjoy!

well actually, it isn’t – which is what I find weird this year. Maybe it’s because I’ve avoided the shops so have not been subjected to the endless carols that blare from shop sound systems from Oct til 24 Dec every year?

Which is perfectly fine but it does mean I woke this morning and went “omigosh it’s Xmas next weekend!”

Because for all I’m not a big Christmas person these days, I do have a few little things I need to achieve between now and next Sunday.

1. Must  get CJ a pressie!

2. Must get Hootie his slap up steak dinner and Minx her new catnip toy. Oh and KK needs something too. Is it weird to buy pets presents? I blame Mum – every year til she died, the pets all bought me presents so I’ve kinda gotten used to thinking it’s nerfectly pormal! 

But back to humans:

3. Must get my pod pal Judith a pressie – she let slip she’d got me something so I kinda have to, even tho I’ve known her all of 4 minutes. Sweet, really.

4. Must get Steph an engagement / Xmas pressie (just cos I want to, really)

5. Grandparents are simple – flowers are already booked to be delivered! One less thing to think about..

CJ is the only one I already know what I wanna get just have to do it.. oh and Hootie (Scotch fillet, easy!) so.. permission to panic please?

You see part of the problem is that I loathe shopping, with a passion. I dislike it normally but at this time of year I cannot begin to explain to you how much I detest it. The forced bonhomie, the “Merry Christmas” 75 times before departing 1 store. The crowds jostling and spending money they probably don’t have. The queues at check outs.

And the music..

Which is odd cos I have to confess I actually LIKE Christmas carols but I dislike most that are played in the shops.. I wonder, do they have a special place that they buy their DVDs from? A compilation specialist that puts together only the nastiest, jangliest (I made up a word, hah), nails-down-black-boards songs for our aural horror?

I must admit, for all I sound disorganised, one simple thing about this year is the lunch menu! I’m quite excited..

Originally I had toyed with the idea of going out .. but instead I opted to save the $400 (for 2 .. yeah not cheap huh!) and instead shall go across to Moore Wilson’s first thing Xmas eve and will meander around buying whatever gorgeous looking things I fancy, and have an anti xmas pasto platter!

Nice to know something can be simple around this time of year..

A wickedly tasty blend of cheddar and parmesan, a little bit of heat and super crunchy – these morsels are very moreish so be warned – you won’t be able to stop eating them!

And they’re simple to make – yay!

If you’re watching your waist line, walk away now. They’re basically equal parts flour, cheese and butter!

2c high grade white flour (not self raising)
1.5c grated butter  (not packed into the cup)
1/2t cayenne pepper
1/2t hot mustard
100g parmesan cheese – finely grated
1c cheddar cheese – finely grated

In order to not find this too traumatic, I used a food processor to grate the butter and I then put it in the fridge to keep it super cold.. Ditto for the cheese.. Just so much simpler to work with when chilled.

It’s really simple:

Whack all ingredients into a large bowl and rub together to make a breadcrumb texture. Keep mixing it, eventually the heat of your hands will mean the mixture forms a ball.. When there is NO dry flour in the bowl, you’re done. It does take 5 or so minutes..

Roll in cling film and set aside for an hour. This is when I got distracted waiting

After an hour, roll the dough out and cut into whatever shapes you want. I actually rolled mine into ‘logs’ then rolled the logs in a little extra grated parmesan cheese then re-chilled ‘em. When I wanted to cook them, I simply sliced them into rounds as you can see from the top picture.

Bake at 160 deg C for 10 or so minutes. They should be a nice, golden colour. Leave to cool on the tray, they harden up once cool.. just like sweet shortbread in that regard!

Keep in a sealed container. Or scoff them as soon as the temperature will allow

Now when Titan was a young thing, some years ago I decided to take him to work as part of his ‘socialisation’ programme. The thing with dobermann dogs is they’re big and scary looking and if raised wrong – big and scary!

So I would take him everywhere I could, to ensure he just got used to ‘stuff’ and wasn’t the type of dog that would react in fear of his setting. Scared dogs are dangerous dogs, in my experience.

Ok so I may have done this too well cos he’s now completely bullet-proof and KNOWS he’s the adored baby but better that than the alternative

He was around 6 months old for this visit, still very excitable .. all feet, enthusiasm and minimal brain. I had him on a short leash, glued to my side (even then he was heavy enough if he wanted to – he could just take off if I wasn’t braced and holding him in check) as I took him up the stairs to the engineering dept.

And so it was that I was standing chatting to one of the guys.. Titan standing very keenly looking around nothing major going on in his lil pea brain apart from “hey man, stuff”.

Til one of the guys from another desk decided to throw a bloody ball and yell “fetch”.

My arm was yanked from its socket as Titan ripped himself free from my hold and raced across the room to do as instructed. “Fetch” is one of his fave things to do in the world.. And so this morning was looking up .. from his perspective anyway!

I called him to me in my “come here or die, mutt” tone and almost had him til someone else thought it’d be funny to throw the ball and next thing this pup is having a whale of a time charging around after the ball as it went from desk to desk.

Only problem was that he liked to do what I referred to as “victory laps” when he fetched and caught something..

So at home, he’d catch whatever it was then race off and come running back from the yard all pleased with himself, before dropping the ball at my feet to go again.

Yeah.. Slight problem. NO BOUNDARY FENCES in the $#@! office.

For reasons that are still not clear to me – the damn double doors at the end of the engineers office were open. They’re NEVER open. But this day they were.

And so – filled with all the joy and enthusiasm of 6-months on earth and catching the ball – Titan charged towards the doors and before I could mobilise the troops – was gone.

Hardly a train smash. He was inside the building and so I charged off after him to catch him whilst not being overly stressed out..

Til I got to the doors and saw (with a sinking feeling in my gut) that across the hallway the boardroom entertaining space was set up and the doors were open with a bunch of board members standing about having a cup of tea before the meeting started.

Now I wasn’t the only one to observe this. Titan had seen a bunch of new friends in the making and he hurtled his way around the floor and charged straight thru the doors into the boardroom.

In what can only be described as a scene from a bad bad sitcom meets black comedy, I had no choice but to race in after him.

Imagine the scene, if you will..

Elegantly attired middle-aged board member types.
Cups of earl grey tea.
Scones.
Quiet conversation before the meeting commences.

Refinement plus.

And now imagine Titan running between their legs showing off his $#@! ball to everyone as he did the victory lap from hell.
With me in tow..

“Excuse me!” .. Pant pant .. “So sorry .. ” .. Huff puff .. Mutter snarl (me, not the dog) “Terribly sorry” … “Oh hello sir, yes uh .. no not my dog it ran in off the street honestly” .. “Excuse us please..” 

I kid you not: it was as tho time slowed as I weaved my way thru’ the throng .. fantasising about BBQ’d Titan for dinner that night.

Eventually the lil $#@! decided to stop and be petted by the chairman of the board who - to my surprise - smiled at me (as I died before his very eyes) and then he uttered words that to this day probably saved my job! 

“oh he’s handsome, I used to have dobes”.

There’s a club you see .. A club of “us in the know”. Of those who just don’t care when a puppy does what a puppy does, cos they’ve been there / done it too.

I threw up a prayer of thanks to the universe for my good luck, snatched Titan’s lead from the ground at our feet and – with as much dignity as I could muster – excused myself one final time and dragged the mutt away.

And no, I never took him back again..

Although there was this one time I took the cockatoo in and had her shriek (oops, I mean sing) happy birthday to the receptionist .. whilst (unbeknownst to us all) 2 General Managers were conducting a job interview down the hall. More on that later..