Posted by: Joan Spiller | May 9, 2010

But my Mum is dead ..


This post is in honour of Mother’s day ..
And what a sad & strange Mum’s day this has been so far, emotionally at least..

Where to begin?

A list of the things I miss, now my Mother is dead?
A list of the things I wanna share with my Mum now?
Hmm, or maybe they are the same lists just with differing names?

Was watching M.A.T.H painting the eves of the house yesterday and thought “Mum would enjoy seeing this being finished” .. She’d often come and potter around while we did chores around the yard. Dad would bring the tools, Mum would bring the supervision 😉

Oh no, that’s right – she can’t see this time: she’s dead.

Was admiring my potted pansies and plantings in the garden last week.
Violets I’d been given by Mum from her garden.
Beautiful.. esp at this time of year as everything dies off – violets stay green and flower thru’ winter!

But Mum’s dead – she doesn’t care / can’t see them / I can’t tell her about how I love having them here at my house..

I got fired from my attempted job as a real estate agent a few weeks ago.
Mum would have listened while I ranted about how horrible I found that experience to be!
At how hard I tried, but how no one seemed to value the things I did..

I’m not a people person, did you know?
mm, tis true – the Sales Manager at Harcourts told me so.
As they got ready to fire me..

But more importantly, my Mum is dead and it’s Mother’s day.
I can’t ignore the fact that it’s Mother’s day cos every bloody direction I turn: it’s being advertised! Somehow Mother’s day is proving to be harder than Xmas was.
Are we allowed to say “Bah humbug” or is that only at Xmas?

I’m not at all regretful of moving to HB to do the “whanau” thing .. it was a big change moving from the career and life that I had in Auckland. But it was so well worth doing .. even allowing for some of the less pleasant experiences I’ve dealt with. Someone I know who’s studied “head-stuff” (psychology I think he calls it?) said to me recently that I had a right to perhaps be a little unhappy with life at the moment. Luckily I’m too lazy to do depression 😉

But I guess he has a point in some ways. I quit a very good job and moved to HB. My favourite cat got run over / killed. I watched my Mum get sicker and sicker before having her leg amputated, only to then die 2yrs later. M.A.T.H’s Dad died .. then there’s all the ‘stuff’ that goes along with parents dying .. On a plus note, I am closer to my gorgeous kid CJ. Sorry, but she’s one of the best things in my life, deal with it. It has been awesome being here, whilst she’s been working at Marineland, Napier. And of course, I’m here for my Dad 🙂

But my Mum is dead.
It’s Mother’s day and I have no one to give a gift to or to call or to say “hey, happy day” ..
Gosh what a pity party this is huh!

Hmm..
Happy Mothers day indeed..

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Responses

  1. […] The busiest day of the year was June 26th with 208 views. The most popular post that day was But my Mum is dead … […]

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  2. Your email about the anniversary of the death of my sons sent me looking and I can appreciate what you say above. Just know I hurt for/with you on Barbara’s death. I am so glad I got to know her and spend some quality time with her before her death. Love you Lady, James

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  3. What a gorgeous photo

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