Posted by: Joan Spiller | November 21, 2011

Bad dreams, dead Mothers and .. stuff


So I think I mentioned earlier I’d been having nightmares. And wow they are awful. I’m dying. Over and over. Or I’m being chased prior to dying. That’s a fun one.

And more weirdly but just as shitty – I’m tangled up with some people (not literally!) who are hell bent on destroying the entire planet. I know – what WOULD Freud (filthy creep that he was!) say!?

The dying one is the worst because somehow in the dream, it’s like a “game”. Not sure how else to explain but basically I KNOW when X happens (in my sleep) I have 5 seconds and then I’m dead.

And I wake each time, from a deep sleep and I sit bolt upright screaming CJ’s name.

Yeah you think that’s bad? I then try to arrange myself “nicely” for when they find my dead body. I have a moment where I ponder all the things I won’t do or see and then I lay down and think I’m about to die.

I am gonna say this all happens while I am asleep but wow it feels like I am awake / waking up / doing it : (

I HATE IT because in those few seconds I think “omg CJ is gonna not have me around forever” (cos I would rather like to be around her forever lol) but this is when I start crying (I THINK I am awake but maybe not?) and from my recollections, it’s then that I panic trying to not be in a bad position when she finds me.

I kid you not, I arrange myself on the bed “tidily” and lay back to die..

Now I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that COULD be related to the fact that I held Mum on the driveway when she was pronounced dead in anything but a lovely position, by the ambo crew, but I dunno. Suffice to say it sucks..

The world takeover / destroy the planet – yeah well your guess is as good as mine there lol And the other one was especially horrible, one recent night but thankfully not one I’ve had since.

I was running thru’ a very dark and horrible place.. not somewhere I’ve seen before .. but it was the stuff of which horror movies are made .. And I was screaming for my Mother to help me. And she didn’t / couldn’t.

Mmm ..

Nuff said, some nights staying awake is a good thing huh! Crud, it’s only 10pm. Long night ahead..

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Responses

  1. OMG Joan that is horrible. I hope they stop as Tanya says after this week is over. My heart goes out to you. Be happy my friend, that’s how Mum would have wanted you to be. Don’t dwell too much on death, and in particular, your Mum’s death… enjoy the happy and fun memories. Laugh openly at some of the hilarious things, as I’m sure there was in your home, that you shared with Mum. It isn’t that long since you lost Mum so I guess that is hard to do still, but if you want someone to sound off at, you know my number. Big hugs. Granite xx

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  2. Old grannie remedy would be warm milk…me thinks you should up grade this thought to a bottle of wine…You may find the nightmares lessen after this week and hopefully dont restart again this time next year

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  3. OMG that’s just awful, whichever version you get!

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