Posted by: Joan Spiller | November 25, 2013

In loving memory

I always feel a bit bipolar around this time of year as we head into December. Because it’s meant to be time of fun and laughter with family & friends and because for me it’s also an emotional and painful time.


My Mum died 4 years ago now.

And while I find I can think about her without crying and feel a lot less emotional when I see pics of her –  I sometimes kind of feel bad because it feels like memories of her are fading with time .. Which is silly, cos it’s just that whole “life goes on” thing we all adjust to ..  but it does weigh on my mind each year. 

Mum LOVED Christmas. For all she got majorly stressed trying to ensure it all went off without a hitch and that anyone within a 20mile radius felt indulged and loved .. she was in her element and we’d all await the phone call around August .. “Hello dear, what do you think about us doing x for this Xmas then?”

And so the months of planning would commence ..

I suspect timing and the way my life changed irrevocably following her death is partly “to blame” for my loathing of Christmas now. I well recall that first one, sitting in a quiet daze at the farm, Dad asleep on his chair, in shock and ‘alone’ for the first time since his mid teens.

My brother, my then partner and myself sat around feeling useless as flowers from well wishers slowly wilted on the table amid assorted Xmas stuff that was scattered through the place (Mum was well into Xmas mode when she died) ..

We had sandwiches for lunch. And copious amounts of alcohol. It helped with the not feeling thing.

I know everyone says your Mum would want you to be happy blahblahblaaaaaah and I agree, she would. But that doesn’t stop the sadness and pain at the loss of a Mum. I think it’s fair to say that I saw Mum as a human being, with failings who did things that drove me crazy and that I could never understand.

But I also appreciated the good about her, the neat things she did and was. And those are what I tend to recall now, which is cool.

Do wish she hadn’t died though.

When I am outside wandering around with the goat babies, or the dogs or cats .. or anything here .. I think to myself how she would have loved to have been part of my journey here in the Manawatu. She’d have gardened and pottered about.

And at the end of the day she’d have sat and smiled her quiet little smile as she observed all the goings on.

Mum wasn’t a noisy or demonstrative person. Painfully shy, even.. She would have loved it here, I don’t doubt..

Ah well. It’s here we enter the bipolar phase of every November, because it’s now time to go feed animals then pack up to get ready to head to Wellington for a drinks / dinner birthday party this evening..

I miss you Mum.





  1. Ah, I can relate to this. Sorrow is revisited and the pain very much there. xxx


  2. Your mom was a sweet, thoughtful lady and we loved her too. I had this on my calendar, but was not going to bring it up as I know you have Russell on your mind also. Glad you have the party to enjoy at this time.


    • She was .. and thanks James .. It was a busy day so I was not miserable or alone which is cool 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: