Posted by: Joan Spiller | January 25, 2017

So .. New year, new job, maybe?

I’ve done a lot of soul-searching recently, exploring a few possible career options as I try to work out what I want to be when I grow up. Part of the problem of being a ‘generalist’, is I can do most things reasonably well..

If I was an exceptionally gifted engineer, my career path may be slightly more obvious to me. Or a nurse, a teacher, chemist – you kinda know where to go once you have a title, ya know?

So, as I say – I’ve been thinking about my ideal job and I’ve GOT it!

Drumroll please..

I – Joan Spiller – am going to become an evil overlord!

In preparation for my new role, I’ve compiled a wee list of some things *I* would do that perhaps differ from your everyday evil overlord:

  • All ventilation ducts in my lair will be too small for anyone (or thing) to crawl about in.
  • My oh-so-noble half-brother (whose throne I shall doubtless usurp in my new role) will be killed.. Not kept anonymously imprisoned in a cell  in my dungeon.
  • I will have no problem shooting my enemies. Faltering is for wimps after all.
  • That said, I will not gloat over my enemy’s predicament prior to killing them. It will be swift and only moderately painful, til they gasp their last..
  • When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him.
    Hmm actually, on second thought, maybe I’ll shoot him then say “No.”
    Evil overlords can have a sense of humour shhh
  • I will not include a self-destruct mechanism.. unless absolutely necessary. And if it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, “Danger: Do Not Push“.
    The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone who is stupid enough to ‘push’ it.
  • I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum of my lair – a cheap hotel room well outside my realm will suffice.
  • I will be secure in my superiority. And thus I will feel no need to prove myself by leaving clues in the form of riddles.
    Or by leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose me no threat. (Refer to #3)
  • All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several round of ammunition emptied into them (rather than being left for dead at the bottom of a cliff)
    As well, the announcement of their deaths (and all necessary celebrations) shall be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal is completed successfully.
  • I vow to never utter the sentence: “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know..” So desperate .. so sad..
  • I will not have a daughter. Doubtless, she would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance .. And she’d betray her own mother!
  • I will keep a special stash of basic weapons and train my troops in their use. That way, even if the heroes manage to neutralise my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless ~ my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears, corn cobs and rocks.
  • No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, I shall be wise enough to know that there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me and ignore aforementioned attractive members. So to speak ..!
  • My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
  • All sweet-natured (and of course: busty) tavern wenches in my realm shall be replaced with surly waitresses of dubious hygiene, who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero .. or his side-kick.
  • I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. I appreciate that good messengers are hard to come by.
  • If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring, I will find them and have them killed immediately .. instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of ill will towards me in my dotage.
  • I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
  • I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unbeatable “super-weapon”, I will use it early .. And as often as possible, rather than keeping it in reserve.
  • When (not if!) I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, pigeon, or whatever annoyingly cute little animal he has that is capable of untying ropes and nicking off with keys and rescuing him.
  • If an advisor says to me “My liege (lady), he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”
    I will reply “This..”
    And kill the advisor.
  • If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will find and slay him while he is still a callow youth .. why wait for him to mature into anything more scary?
  • I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
  • I will hire a team of skilled realtors architects and surveyors to examine my lair and inform me of any secret passages and/ or abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
  • If the handsome prince that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well”
    And kill him.
  • I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being difficult.
  • Deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first check to see if there is anyone else equally qualified who might attract less attention.
  • My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will in turn be used for target practice.
  • I will design fortress hallways void of alcoves or protruding structural supports that intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
  • I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so.
    However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
  • When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will also be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously whilst on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
  • If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
  • I will not tell my Legion of  Terror “And he must be taken alive”, instead the command will be “Do try to take him alive if it is at all reasonably practicable.
  • If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat rather than turning around to find out what he saw..
  • If I’m eating dinner with the hero and put poison in his goblet but then have to leave the table for some reason, I will order new drinks for both of us .. far easier than trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
  • All my vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. As well, I will not allow construction of any walkways above them.
  • My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
  • If I’m sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
  • I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
  • I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of recipes. Imagine the hero’s surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for gluten free muffins  😉

OK so what do you think .. overlord or no?

#Options are good 😉

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