Posted by: Joan Spiller | November 20, 2011

My Mum died this week ..


I was laying in bed this morning mulling over some particularly bizarre / bad dreams I’ve been having this week and realised I was crying – hate when that happens! And I knew why, it’s cos my Mum died this week.. That sentence doesn’t make sense but you know what I mean.

Warning: this entry will be all over the show – to match my head space 😉

Yesterday as I was dusting the coffee table, I realised I was talking to her. (I know, someone call the men in white coats please!) actually I had apologised to her cos I’d knocked her clown face pic over. I also realised it didn’t hurt as much to see the pics, I can now hold them and look at them without becoming a complete blithering wreck. So that’s a good thing.

Mm, I don’t feel quite as cheery when I see her wedding pics but we won’t go there! There’s only so much dirty linen airing  one should do in a public place, I know!

Tis fair to say that Mum was a bit of an enigma, to me certainly. But I think to others also.

She was shy, painfully so. I can recall many a time she’d literally go away and hide (ok, she was, I suspect, more mentally preparing herself but at the time it seemed she was hiding!) however, as part of her work – HAD to be able to communicate well and that she did just fine. I wonder what it took out of her to do so?

From all that I heard – she was the best of the best, at her job. “Doctor Barbara” to every sick elderly person who needed her and, honestly: to anyone, even if they weren’t her specialty 😉

As odd as this sounds, when I was a kid I resented how nice Mum was. Who am I kidding – it irked me when I was a grown up too. People  just took so much from her and so few ever gave anything back. It drove me WILD with rage at times lol. However, getting something back wasn’t why she did it of  course – so to Mum it was just fine.

She was religious. I have struggled with the word to use there. God fearing sounds silly and more to the point: I think she kinda liked her god. Suffice to say that all through my life she was at various church groups, women’s groups, agape groups – you name it. She was involved. Her faith may have wavered a time or two through the challenges of her life but we never heard about it, so who knows.

I do recall growling at her once when she was pre-amputation for saying “I’m being challenged for a lack of faith”. There is no way to describe how much that pissed me off. I know MY faith would be shattered by the loss of a leg or oh yeah dropping dead in a driveway! And I know religious types will say that this is all in god’s game plan but to me it’s a bit like playing risk without the rule book – hard to comprehend. And comprehension is good.

She was loyal. If she had your back, you were all good. She was a staunch Mum I realise this moreso now she’s gone sadly. And although she made lots of mistakes – last I checked she was human, it happens. Whilst I dislike the term, she did whatever she did with the best of intentions hoping that I’d turn out halfway decent as a result so really: that’s a good thing. I like to hope she was proud of me – who knows!

Ah hell this could go on for ages and still make no sense, so I think I will stop now and go for a walk! Oh and the bad dreams? Very bad .. more on them later.

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Responses

  1. […] Like, somehow it .. mattered.. When all we wanted to do was sit and cry at the sudden loss of our Mother, a wife and cherished Nanny. […]

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  2. […] Like, somehow it .. mattered.. When all we wanted to do was sit and cry at the sudden loss of our Mother, a wife and cherished Nanny. […]

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  3. Joan, you are in my thoughts, and I wish I could give you a big hug right now. It isn’t wrong to cry for, or talk to our loved ones – I still talk to mine!!!! So if you go with the white coats, so do I!!! Your Mum sounds to be so awesome in every way and I think her daughter and granddaugter are too. She would have ooozed pride for both of you, no doubt about that. You could go on for ages as you say, and why not… it all makes perfect sense to me anyway. Joan Spiller, you are one very special lady too. Enjoy your memories, shed your tears, share your thoughts with your Mum – lots of love and a huge hug from me… Janet. And by the way this has been sooooooooooo hard to type because of all the bleeding ‘h’ keys not working. Soooooooo slow because i have gone back and put them in!!!!!!! xx

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  4. Your mum was a sweet considerate lady and I loved the conversations we had.

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